Kindness as a manipulation is especially damaging because it makes you question people’s motives every time they’re nice to you.
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An easy example of this is the classic scenario where someone gives another person a gift or a string of compliments and the other person says, “OK, what do you want?” A more damaging form of this manipulation is something like, “you’re just so smart, I don’t know why you don’t go to school” when the real motivation is to have a partner who makes more money and not their happiness. Or, “I did all of this nice stuff for you, it’s the least you can do” when confronted with something you don’t want to do.
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What to do: Kindness with an ulterior motive is not really kindness. You can say thank you for the kindness, but still not give in to the controlling aspect of the manipulation. If you spot it. Remember, no shame if you don’t catch it. Manipulators are sly like that.
10 They are calm, cool and collected.
When something bad happens, there’s conflict, or things seem to be in chaos, is your partner super calm? This can be a manipulation that makes you feel like you’re overreacting. It can make you feel like you can’t trust your own emotional reactions.
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It’s a way your partner controls your emotional responses. They determine when a situation warrants an emotional response. Otherwise, you’re just being dramatic, or silly. Because they’re super calm. They can call your mental health or maturity into question, and over time, you might not even realize you’re looking to them for how to respond when something happens.
What to do:
If you’re a person who falls for this manipulation often, you might need therapy to help you get back in touch with and trust your true emotional responses. That’s how damaging this manipulation can be. In the moment, the best thing you can do is go with your gut and remember that you don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone.
11. They’re Always Just Joking
This is a manipulation in two parts. The first part is the one where they say hurtful things or criticize you, but it’s you’re fault for getting upset because they were totally just kidding. It doesn’t matter how cruel they were, it only matters that you’re too sensitive and can’t take a joke.
The second part involves making jokes about you in public and in front of others. If you respond negatively in front of others, you’re making a scene or ruining the fun. This is a way to get their digs in and grind you down without having to take accountability.
What to do:
You don’t have to worry about ruining the fun or being too sensitive. It can be a difficult thing to confront your partner when they hurt you, and to risk looking like the bad guy, but standing up for yourself is important. Even if the manipulator will likely try to shame you for it.
The more you recognize manipulative behaviors, the more you’ll be able to shut them down. If you’re dealing with a serious manipulator, though, adds are your best bet is to split.
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